I was kind of checked out on Thanksgiving. I don't know why, maybe because I haven't been meditating lately, but I felt like the whole dinner went by in a sort of haze. I didn't take a moment to be thankful or anything. In fact, I was pretty ungrateful, because Duncan was sick and couldn't make it to my parents' house for dessert, which made me unhappy. So I ate my sorrow in the form of mashed potatoes.

I did however clean my stove and make cranberry sauce, one of my favorite things to do (the cranberry sauce, not the cleaning). I felt super productive and did laundry and washed dishes and the cat looked at me like, who is this creature who is DOING THINGS instead of sitting on the couch with me on her legs?

Today I have much more energy than I have since I caught this latest cold, or whatever it is, which must mean I'm getting better, but it also means I'm ANGRY. Reading articles Deji linked me to about horrible birth experiences with callous doctors, and clicking links in those articles to yet more stories, and getting angrier and angrier and more determined to advocate for myself as hard as possible ifwhen I do give birth. And to have someone there to advocate for me, because when the actual labor happens I'd be pretty busy.

Because of Deji's baby I've been talking to people more than usual about birth and babies. I learned that my grandmother had a miscarriage during WWII, which she partially attributes to the stress of the war, and partly to some physical exertion she did just before the miscarriage. She also had three C-sections, and with the last one they removed her ovaries too, so she never went through menopause. She said she was "lucky" to never have to go through vaginal birth or menopause. I guess, but I think I'd rather go through labor and menopause than a bunch of major surgeries.

My mom had my sister at home with a lay midwife in 1976, but there was a complication where they couldn't feel her heartbeat near the end of labor, so they just told my mom to push really hard and Julie came out all blue and they had to rub her back to get her to start breathing like that lil puppy at the beginning of 101 Dalmatians. Because my mom had to push so hard, she had a tear, and had to go to the hospital to get stitched up.

I was born in a hospital with a nurse-midwife, with a doctor on call but not actually attending the birth, which sounds like a good situation to me. That way the doctor is there if anything goes horribly wrong, and the midwife is there to help with natural labor if things go well. I was not blue and I cried right away. In fact I don't think there were any problems with my birth and both of my mom's labors were under 6 hours.

Mom says she thinks the health of the baby is what's most important, not the labor process or whatever. Of course the health of the baby is important but I don't see an advantage to babies in the US having a Cesarean rate twice as high as is medically necessary. I also don't see how having a labor experience where the doctors do things against your wishes and without asking you for consent is good for anyone. A terrified mom isn't good for the baby. I've never had to stay in a hospital, but I've had enough experiences with doctors not knowing what the fuck they are doing to know that you can't just trust doctors to do everything right, and NOT all horror stories on the internet are just statistical anomalies.

And while I'm being ANGRY at things, can I take a moment to hate on those commercials for eyelash-growth products? Not mascara, but an actual product for making your eyelashes grow more. And the reason? The completely made-up disease of "inadequate eyelashes." Unless you live in an area with frequent sand storms, there is NO medical reason why your eyelashes should be deemed "inadequate." It's just another bullshit way to make women feel bad about themselves in order to sell products. I think this and teeth whiteners will be those things that give everyone cancer years later, and our grandkids will wonder how we could have been so foolish as to use them without knowing the full effects.