notemily: Photo of me, a white girl in her mid-20s, wearing glasses, smiling, looking up and to the right (firefly - river/bird)
^That'll be my new country song. I will invent a whole genre of psychiatric medication blues.

The meds-doc, who still doesn't take me seriously and talks over me in sessions but is relatively tolerable, wants to take me off Lexapro. Gradually of course, so a week with half-doses, a week with half-doses every other day, and then nothing. The plan is to see if Wellbutrin is good enough on its own to manage my depression. If not, back on the Lexapro I go, I suppose.

Lexapro was great for my anxiety back in the day. One day with half of it and I am already feeling the familiar tightness in my stomach. It's easier when I know it's just the drugs, but it had better wear off because nothing paralyzes me like anxiety. And I spend enough time being paralyzed.

Meds are so annoying. Like, I want to see if this works, but at the same time I have to go to work and clean my house and make meals and be a person, and the side effects of going on or off meds always get in the way of that stuff. I know the show must go on and all that. I just wish I could get a free pass for this month.

One thing I am looking forward to, if it happens, is feelings coming back. Obviously I am not an emotionless zombie on Lexapro but I did stop crying at movies... I stopped being so sensitive, which is something I always liked about myself. I still feel the same things but... not as intensely. Maybe that's a good thing; maybe it's just part of growing up. But I do feel like I have been numbed a bit and I would rather not be numb. It took pretty dire straits for me to go on drugs in the first place, precisely because I was afraid of losing that part of myself. I had to be almost non-functional before I was willing to make the trade.

But then again I'm afraid of the feelings making me stupid. Making me follow every impulse. Maybe it's safer to just bury it all. No, I don't really believe that, but I don't like feeling like an impetuous child. Suspecting that everyone around me finds me hard to deal with. I already suspect that.

I have to be careful. I just watched one of my favorite CSI: New York episodes and it made me all nervous and stomach-clenchy. I should stick to comedies for a while.

Questions the meds-doc always asks: Crying spells? Thoughts of harming yourself? Feelings of not wanting to go on living? (always, always no, but they have to ask.) What do you weigh? I have no idea. I actually think not focusing on what I weigh all the time is BETTER for my mental health, thank you very much doctor guy. Sexual appetite? Food appetite? Ability to laugh?

These are not the ways in which I measure my life.

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December 2012



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