Dear Mom,

You asked me what I would do if I had to be self-sufficient. Well, I think one reason I stayed with Jake for so long is because I saw in him what I would be like if I didn't have your financial support. I'd be struggling to deal with untreated or undertreated mental and physical illnesses, just like he was. He had a job he hated with little to no possibility for advancement, and no health insurance. And he couldn't demand better, because he didn't have the means to.

That's why I was trying to thank you for the support you've given me. Because I would be in a much worse place without it. I feel sometimes like you think I'm making up my problems, that I'm just lazy and a hypochondriac. Like the time you asked me what I'd do if I couldn't get the pills for my IBS, or if I had to survive on whatever food was available and couldn't get stuff that was easy on my stomach. The answer to that is the same: I wouldn't die, but I would be much worse off.

The idea that I'm lazy and making up my problems has haunted me for most of my life. But when I listen to the voice that says that, it just makes me feel like a failure. I'd rather focus on what I can do than constantly compare myself to other people, or to some standard of what I "should" be able to do.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I know what it means to have your support, because I often think about what my life would be like without it. I know I can't rely on it forever and I don't want to. I just wanted to say thanks.

Love,
Sophie