This is the world I live in, the world in which people like me aren’t disabled, and are disempowered as a result. To own that identity is terrifying, still terrifying, every day. When I see people on other websites refer to me as a person with disabilities I jump and say “no I’m not” because that’s what I have been trained to say. Just try a little bit harder. You’re not different. You don’t deserve any special treatment. Your conditions are manageable, some might even say controlled. Those physical problems you have, it’s because you’re not trying. Those cognitive ones, you’re clearly just tired or distracted. It’s not disability. Those things that happened to you? Things like that happen to everyone and they’re just fine. You don’t need therapy. You don’t have PTSD. PTSD is what happens to people who go to war.

– meloukhia at FWD/Forward

I had a whole rant written earlier today.

You see, someone in my life reportedly (warning: second-hand information) thinks ze needs to prepare me to live in "the real world," and that the best way to do this is by being hard on me. I guess because the "real world" is harsh and unkind, especially to people like me, so I need to shape up and learn to be normal, a busy little robot.

I was pretty angry when I first heard about this. How dare ze assume that ze knows anything about what I need? Has ze ever thought that maybe I like myself the way I am, and my efforts to change in order to fit in in the "real world" have only led to severe depression, anxiety, physical ailments, and other miseries? Doesn't ze realize that I have enough hardship in my life already, and ze is just making it harder, not easier, for me to survive? Ze knows nothing about me or my life, etc., etc.

But I calmed down.

I've heard this all before. So has everyone with... traits, disabilities, disorders, quirks... that don't fit in so well with the so-called "real world." Pull yourself up by your bootstraps! Think positively! Just try harder! Everyone else can do it!

People who say that stuff usually believe in the American Dream. They believe that everyone starts out on equal footing (ha), and that hard work inevitably leads to success (ha), and anyone who asks for extra help is just looking for a way to get out of working hard, because of course everyone starts out equal, so why would anyone need extra help getting to the top? If you can't work as hard as I can, that's your problem. I can work double shifts and sacrifice sleep in order to make a few more bucks, so why can't you? I sucked it up and played by the rules, so why can't you? I did hours of mindless work without complaint, so why can't you? That's just the way it is.

There was a time when stuff like that would have brought me to tears. On another day, it might have. But today, I remembered: I have different definitions of success now. I don't have to play that game. I'm the only one who gets to decide what I'm worth.

From that same article:

Some temporarily able bodied people talk about disability like a burden, a curse, a trap, a prison, but, for me, it’s not. Denying disability is the burden, the curse, the trap, the prison. These disabilities are part of me and part of whom I am and they belong here with me.

I like being who I am. I'm not going to cut myself down to what you believe is an acceptable size. Improvements to my self are mine to make, not yours to dictate. I'm the one who gets to decide what success is for me, and I'm the one who works towards that, every day.

You can be as hard on me as you want, but all you're doing is ensuring you'll never get the opportunity to really know me.