Traits of an assignment which increase the likelihood that I will procrastinate until the assignment is overdue:

1. Unclear instructions in the syllabus
2. The need for a works cited page
3. Length greater than, say, 10 pages, more or less depending on my interest in the subject
4. The need to interview people (I REALLY hate this one. I will procrastinate forever on talking to people. Usually I try to conduct the interview through email, and if that doesn't work, I panic.)
5. Powerpoint

I'm really trying. Not to be a good student--I have been trying that for a kazillion years with little to no improvement, and in some areas I've actually gotten worse. No, what I am trying is to accept that I am not good at school, and that this is okay because I am still good at learning and thinking critically and synthesizing ideas and all the other things school is supposed to teach you, and in fact I'm a lot better at all that stuff when I don't have the constant stress of school wearing me down.

There are a lot of reasons why I've kept putting myself through that stress even though I hate it with a passion. I don't want to let my parents down; that's a big one. I want to be working towards a future, especially one that includes a living wage. Dr. M said I shouldn't quit in the middle of the marathon, or something, and I somehow refrained from pointing out that the first guy who ran a marathon died at the end, but the point is, she usually had my best interest in mind. I'm not so sure she did in this case, though.

I'm sick of trying to be someone who's good at assignments and organizing and time management. I'm sick of trying to pretend to my teachers that I am that person, and I'm sick of their disappointment and disapproval when they find out I'm not. I'm sick of writing the same paper over and over and over. I'm sick of being miserable. I'm sick of people asking me how school is going and having to lie, because if I tell them the truth, they'll look at me like I'm insane. The truth is I have two whole semester classes in which I have barely done any of the work. How can I tell people that and expect them to be sympathetic instead of thinking I'm just really lazy?

Mom read a book once that says nobody is really lazy. Everyone wants to be doing cool shit. And I do too; badly. But sometimes I get stuck in an anxious feedback loop that keeps me paralyzed and unable to do anything but stare at my computer all day. It's not fun. It's not leisure. It leaves me frustrated and unhappy. To say it must be just laziness is like looking at someone who is depressed and saying they must be lazy because they just lie around the house all the time.

I really want to see what my life is like with less of that stress, less of that paralysis. Maybe I just need a break. It's been so long since I felt like I could really relax.

Anyway, for an awesome* post on how difficult it can be for some people to do things that other people find simple, read Penelope Trunk's post on registering her car at the DMV.

*It's almost all awesome. There is one part that is not awesome. But the rest of it is so awesome that I am choosing to overlook that one part in posting this link.

Also, they seem to be gone from the gift store now, but thanks to cincodemaygirl and Anonymous for the snowflake cookies! ♥ ♥