notemily: Photo of me, a white girl in her mid-20s, wearing glasses, smiling, looking up and to the right (Default)
ugh. well I got sick today, I threw up for the first time in 5 years and 3 months. yeah I remember every time I got sick. that's one of the perks of emetophobia. woo

I don't really know what's wrong with me. all morning I was super tired and then I started to have horrible stomach cramps and feeling nauseated and having diarrhea and stuff. I thought I was just like super anxious but my anxiety attacks don't usually last that long. neither does the IBS usually. all I had for breakfast was tea and luna bars and some oatmeal which is what I have all the time so I don't know why I felt so sick.

after I threw up I felt a little better but still icky. I haven't thrown up again but I still feel blah. I have a fever and my back aches, although thankfully the extreme abdominal pain is over. I just feel sick now in that undefined way. generally sick. blarg. I have the blarg.

my mom thinks it's a stomach virus and that makes sense because I was just on a train with people from who knows where and I could have picked up anything. but alan says since I haven't thrown up again that it's probably not a virus because he had one recently and he was throwing up like every hour. and it's true stomach viruses usually get worse before they get better. we'll see how the night goes and how I feel tomorrow. I just feel feverish and ughy and like I don't want to eat anything.

I'm at alan's house in pennsylvania and he has been taking good care of me. he and trish went out and got me a hot water bottle and some ginger ale and stuff. and then he watched avatar the last airbender with me which was good for distracting me from feeling bad.

another theory is that it's something in the tap water here. they got me a bunch of mini bottles of dasani so maybe that will help. it's possible I'm just not used to the bacteria in the water here or whatever. stupid traveling. stupid getting sick on vacation.

I don't really know what to do about my meds. if I take pills I'm afraid they will make me feel sicker or they'll just come back up and then what is the point. and I'm not supposed to take them on an empty stomach. but if I don't take them I know I'll feel like utter crap tomorrow and probably get a migraine which won't be good for my stomach issues.

it's hard to be away from my familiar surroundings while I'm sick but alan is being super nice and it's good to have him here.

vacation has not been all disaster though. yesterday we went to a rally in support of wisconsin workers. in erie, pennsylvania! I didn't know they cared. I felt all loved. we didn't have time to make a sign so nobody knew I was from wisconsin but whatever. so many people were wearing steelers jackets that at first I thought they were all part of the same union. heh. steelers' union.

but we had to run to get to the rally and today when I woke up my legs were like WHAT THE FFFFFUUUUUUUU- and then I got sick. my body hates me. blarg.
notemily: Photo of me, a white girl in her mid-20s, wearing glasses, smiling, looking up and to the right (ravenclaw)
So I appear to be sick? Hmm. I have the head-fuzz and the chills and the sore throat and the sneeze. What's weird is I'm not as worried about being sick as I am about the psychological ramifications. I am trying to not let anyone make me feel guilty for staying home or resting, because I am SICK. Not only do I think my health is important, but I also think it's irresponsible of me to go to work when I could make other people sick. Not everyone is healthy enough that they can afford to get a cold or flu virus, and I have paid sick days, so damn it, I am going to USE them if I am sick.

(This is a sore point for me, because my workplace has doubted that I'm REALLY sick before when I've called in. I always want to tell them that (a) I am already sick, please don't make me feel guilty for being sick, and (b) there are ways to be sick that don't involve deathly illness--like being too depressed to go to work or having a really bad chronic pain day. It is not up to you whether or not I am too sick to work.) (I know there's this tendency among Our Society to be like, "it's just a cold, tough it out, go to work." I WORK WITH THE PUBLIC. If it were an office job where I just worked by myself all day, things might be different. But what's "just a cold" to me might be a huge deal to someone with a compromised immune system.)

ANYWAY.

I have no Christmas CHEER this year. (Sorry Maureen Johnson!) I just don't care. Lights, tree, whatever. Maybe I'll get some enthusiasm later but right now I am decidedly "meh." I feel like this is maybe connected to my disillusionment with other things I used to find enchanting, like romantic relationships, earlier this year. I broke something in my mind that was connected to those things. Like, the feeling of fairy tales being true, or something. I no longer believe in the fairy tale of romance or the fairy tale of Christmas? I DON'T KNOW I AM AN UNFEELING ROBOT.

When was the last time I updated? I did end up trading in my kinda crappy new phone for a spiffy Android phone. I feel kind of guilty and first-worldy about it, because now I have this fancy expensive toy, basically, when I'm broke as hell and shouldn't really be buying fancy toys. But, I kinda love it. So.

I had narrowed it down to the MyTouch 3G Slide or the G2, based on recommendations from you guys and CNet reviews (and my need for a KEYBOARD). (There were cheaper keyboard phones, but they didn't get great reviews.) After reading every review ever, I decided I'd be equally happy with either, so price was the deciding factor. The MyTouch was cheaper, so it won. I got it in SHINY RED.

It's not the best phone or even one of the top-five Android phones out there, but it is pretty awesome. It has Android 2.1 and an update to 2.2 has been promised for months & months, but nobody knows whether that will actually happen. At the moment I do not care because it is SHINY. The only big downside is it doesn't have much storage space, so you can only download a certain number of apps before you run out of space, and it doesn't let you transfer apps to an external memory card.

It's got a few little bugs and such but nothing huge yet. I'm hoping it'll last me the two years before the next upgrade. I don't care if it's behind the technological times by then (hell, it's behind them NOW), as long as it still works.

I didn't realize when I got it how actually useful and un-toylike it would end up being. It syncs with Google Calendar, so now I have my schedule with me everywhere, which is wonderful especially for my ADHD, forgetful self. There's a Mint.com app so I can keep track of how much money I have WHILE I am out buying things. There's a to-do list app (several actually) and weather apps and Google Maps. TECHNOLOGY~~~

So, yeah. I am generally grumpy with the world right now. Go away. Bah humbug, haters to the left, ease up you're killing me, etc.

(Not you, internets. You can stay.)

Aug. 14th, 2010

  • 11:12 PM
notemily: A black-and-white kitten looking at the camera (misc - tinycat)
I am burnt out again. I have no clean clothes, it seems like everything I own has kitty litter on it, and the kits are REALLY getting too big for that cage. If they stay in it too long they go insane and keep me up all night and then there is litter all over the place--sometimes with poo in it. Today I found their little crinkly toy in their water bowl. The toy is shaped like a fish. Smart cats?

Also, Oliver broke the flip-top lid on the garbage can, which is annoying because now it won't stay open so I have to try and hold it open while I clean out the litter box, which is difficult and also makes me feel icky. I wash my hands so much more than I did before the kittens, but I still feel gross a lot because the litter box and/or garbage smell tends to linger. Especially if my door is closed, which it has to be if they're out and running around.

(Plus I really need to clean out the fridge and there's a dumpster in my garage, so I feel like everywhere I go something smells bad. This is probably a symptom of PMS and I'm just extra sensitive to smells right now.)

They're probably leaving on Monday although Oliver had a couple of sneezes today so who knows. The vet said she wanted him to be completely sneeze-free by the time they went back. Stop sneezing, bear!

Hypatia is okay, she's eating and drinking again, she just has the occasional coughing fit and still hates me for giving her medicine. To be fair I would hate someone who was forcing liquid down my throat too.

Ramona and I have been having something of a battle of wills... it seems like the more I try and tell her "no," the more she does things I don't want her to do, and then I feel like she doesn't trust me because all I do is get mad at her. She reminds me of me as a kid, honestly. And she keeps escaping, and she is LIGHTNING FAST, so it's almost impossible to catch her. She's pretty smart and has stopped falling for the "I will dangle a toy and then when you come out to play I will catch you" trick.

My sleep cycle is all fucked up. I know I'll feel better if I do my mindfulness practice, read more/computer less, eat actual food instead of ramen and PBJs, and get enough sleep. It's hard to make myself do those things when I feel like crap though, which just leads to me feeling like more crap, etc.

I have a kajillion little red scabs on my legs from Ramona trying to scale Mount Sophie. Add that to the bruises from work and the mosquito bites, and my legs are a disaster area.

I don't know what you want from me, stomach

  • Oct. 17th, 2009 at 12:05 AM
notemily: Photo of me, a white girl in her mid-20s, wearing glasses, smiling, looking up and to the right (vm - white chair)
Ever since I got IBS, I've gotten to know pretty well the feeling of being hungry and sick at the same time. Is there a word for that? When you have hunger pangs but you also feel kind of woozy and nauseated? I used to feel like that all the time when I first got sick and couldn't eat anything ever.

It's a really mixed signal, especially for an emetophobe. I wish I didn't feel it so often.

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notemily: Photo of me, a white girl in her mid-20s, wearing glasses, smiling, looking up and to the right (hp - loony luna lovegood)
I came very close to fainting last night. I don't know what's going on. Kate and I were at Benny's, watching our usual Battlestar Galactica/Big Bang Theory/How I Met Your Mother combo, and when it was time to leave we stood around talking for a little while, and suddenly I started to see spots in front of my eyes and I felt like I was going to pass out. I sat down for a while, and I felt a little better, but still shaky, and I went home and curled up on the couch with some tea.

I still feel weird this morning. It could be any number of things, I guess. The new medication, my usual tendency towards low blood pressure and iron deficiency, or even anxiety from all the homework I have to do. I've felt faint before, it's just never been that... random, I guess. Usually I feel faint when I'm exerting myself or changing levels a lot (like all the bending down and standing up I do at work) or when I haven't eaten in awhile, not just suddenly out of the blue like that.

I called my shrink and told her what happened, and she said she wasn't allowed to give me medical advice, but that I could call the emergency room. I didn't do that, because I thought they probably have better things to do. "You... almost fainted? Stop the presses!"

Anyway I took an iron pill this morning... we'll see how it goes.

P.S. Check out this amazing photo of the Antony and the Johnsons concert. Duncan and I are in the middle section, all the way to the right of the first full row from the bottom you can see. Hi, us! And here's a photo of Antony in action.

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